Have you ever realised that the things that you want so bad feels so wrong that you pray to be shown something right, only to end up having it in front of you, teasing, taunting, wanting you to step into the line that you have created? Every single time?
As a Muslim, you ask and pray for answers. And you were taught that things happen for a reason and sometimes that reason is not for you to learn, but for someone else to ponder.
And sometimes it confuses you because you just want to live peacefully. Or be selfish and think why do I have to be the sacrificial lamb for someone else's lesson?
Nauzubillahi min zalik.
But a test is a test, and no matter how massive or how trivial, it still has an impact on life itself.
If I can just find the perfect balance for all this.
Maxis Broadband. Well, let me tell you.
It's a piece of shit.
Why would someone pays RM118 per month just to get a connection slower than your average dial-up? I think it's time for Maxis to learn the reason why so many people change to Celcom and DIGI now, and of course P1 W1MAX.
I know it has been raining and all that, but stop being ridiculous. My work consist of internet, internet and more internet. I am a writer. I need internet connection like Morgan Freeman needs his otherworldly voice.
Writing the blog too has been quite a bore and I now understand why. I got no feedback from people. Writing is all about feedbacks. If not, it just feels like writing a diary and if that's it, it's better to write a diary instead. At least I don't need to be diplomatic about it. I can just trash anybody I want.
Urgh, I can't go on. This bloody internet is making me boil with anger.
of stuff
Baju
I woke up today, look into the mirror and went "What the-"
Bags under my eyes. Pale blue-ish lips. And I can even see my shoulder blades. And when I say 'blades' I mean 'blades'. I looked around and realise that I got laundry all over the place, books toppled, dusts, documents stacked in not a very pretty fashion.
Have I been living like a zombie these past few weeks?
When the only thing that isn't dusty is your laptop, you know it is true.
I finally decided that I have to get rid of my old clothes. I must top being a horde/hoard/hoarde (however you spell that). Mum has asked me millions of times to get rid of them but I kept saying that I would probably need them if my weight shoots up again.
"You're saying you're targetting to be overweight again?" she folds her arm and do that sarcastic stare.
"Hmmm. Point taken."
Parting with my old XXL clothes are like parting with a big part of me. It kinda make me realise that I did have that problem. But it also signifies how happy I was during those years. I was not overweight because I was sad. No. I was happy. I was happiest. I was stagnantly happy. Parting with the clothes makes me feel like I am ashamed being overweight when I am not.
I hope I won't be that big again, but it was the best years of my life, man. I'm not ashamed of it. I never was. I'm just ashamed that people around me were not very nice about it. I used to be stick-thin and being called Somalian. I've been big and being called Hawaiian. (yeah, them all funny, aren't they?).
Then I realised half of my closet is empty when I did that.
What the hell?
Some of those clothes hold a special memory.
I went to my first interview in my black buttoned down shirt and corporate long skirt.
I went to see Jorge E. Abello (but he ain't there, drats) in my white crisp shirt and blue jeans.
I got five different chinos during my 'rebellious-young-writer' years.
I got two pairs of slacks that now looks like baggy pants (except for the butt. daym) that I wear on casual fridays (slacks and casual fridays... yeah whatever).
And then my scruffy jeans with a little blood on its upper thigh.
All of them are now safe inside a plastic bag. God know what.
Aye, where the hell got money to buy new clothes...
Boraq zero
munn: tahla, aku tak amik sains
munn: ahahhaa
munn: bkn dia bergantung kpd teknik jugak ke?
munn: ape aku merapik ni
shai laden: ahahaha
shai laden: aku tgh translate Johan The Young scientist
shai laden: bodo la johan ni
shai laden: die tatau ape itu sayur2an,
shai laden: bintanag peliharaan
shai laden: burung
shai laden: tapi die leh buat kajian guna magnifying glass
shai laden: pastu bile aku translate jadi BM
shai laden: bunyiknye lucah
shai laden: "burung kan boleh terbang"
shai laden: "Bukan semua burung boleh terbang, Johan"
shai laden: "Apa persamaan burung kakakktua dan ayam?"
shai laden: "Telur!"
shai laden: "Bulu!"
munn: ahahahaha
munn: ni cite katun ke ape?
shai laden: aku rase animasi cam jimmy neutron kot
munn: ni malaysia punya katun ke?
shai laden: ha'ah kot
munn: patut nama johan
shai laden: nama kawan die
shai laden: moki
shai laden: dan ani
shai laden: tepapetah
shai laden: johan, ani & moki: Yeah! We found our bird!
shai laden: dalam BM jadi
shai laden: johan, ani & moki: Ya! kami dah temui burung kami!
munn: ahahahha
munn: ada game dia
munn: hani tgh main
munn: ish kanak2 zaman skarang main intenet je
shai laden: game ape? Johan?
munn: a'ah
shai laden: tula, kite dulu punyela susah
shai laden: "Mak, cikgu suruh carik gambar gotong royong"
shai laden: macam nak mampos la mak aku bukak suratkabar
shai laden: last2 potong harakah bapak aku
shai laden: pilu hati bapak aku harakah die kena kerat
shai laden: skrg ape? gotong royong?
munn: aku penah cikgu nak gamba sume sultan di malaysia
shai laden: giotong royong pelakon porno pon ade
shai laden: macam celaka je kan cikgu tuh.
munn: ahahahaha
munn: bapak aku beli sume surat kaba
munn: gile betul
munn: nak dpt gamba sultan kena kumpul surat kaba sathaun
munn: setahun
munn: nak tuggu birthday dia
shai laden: tula
shai laden: aku ingat
shai laden: cikgu nak gamba menteri
shai laden: bapak aku terpaksa beli buku tokoh2
shai laden: yg harga cam RM25 tu
shai laden: supaya anak die boleh gunting n tampal kat dlm buku dgn sgt buruk
munn: semata2 utk digunting2?
shai laden: ha'ah
munn: ahahaha
shai laden: sbb bapak aku dah stress nak carik dlm paper
munn: kesian mak bapak kita kan?
shai laden: tula
shai laden: bapak aku selalu sumpah cikgu
shai laden: "menyusahkan org betulla!"
shai laden: cikgu pon satu hal
shai laden: pahamla perangai budak2
shai laden: kalau die tak dpt die rase bersalah takut cikgu marah
shai laden: bukan sume makbapak kaye
shai laden: brengset btol
munn: mak bapak jd menyumpah cikgu
munn: last2 yg belajar tak dapat2 anak2 la jugak
shai laden: tula pasal
shai laden: dahla cikgu suke buat ajaran sesat
shai laden: mase aku darjah tiga, cikgu english aku pandang serong kat aku bile aku sebut 'armadillo' time die tanya pasal binatang
shai laden: die kata aku cipte2 suke2 binatang tu
shai laden: excuse me if you dun watch dicovery channel okkkkk
shai laden: pastu mase darjah 6 ustazah ajar kalau gi toilet kata, "azhabu ila baitil khalaq"
shai laden: tipuuuuuuu...
shai laden: 'ismah li, uridu an azhaba ila baitil khala'"
shai laden: tingkatan lima baru sedar penipuan ustazah itu
munn: ahahaha
Con-ver-sate
Aying: Kenapa mak dozed off?
Shai: "Dozed off"? Kenapa dengan bahasa ko yg tetibe enak ni?
Aying: Aying nak bergaya.
Shai: Bergaya? Annoying ade la.
Shai: Aying, belikan lambchop.
Aying: Malaslah. Aying nak buat roti telur je. nak?
Shai: Buatkan sekali.
(pastu garu bontot).
Shai: kata nak buat roti telur, apesal garu bontot.
Aying: Lepas garu bontot kite buat roti telur la, baru sedap.
Shai: Ko guna tangan tu buat roti telur aku, aku tendang telor kau.
Nadd: kat istana tu kan, bf bibik kan jadi gad kat situ kan, die cerite kan, setiap malam ade je kereta polis park kat istana..dlm kereta ade polis pempuan ngan laki off enjin ngan lampu keta dok diam2 dlm keta buat God knows what. keji kan?
shai laden: yucks
Nadd: tuh aa
shai laden: ramainye manusia celaka. uh. aku nak pindahlah. tapi kat singapore arituh lagi la... kitorg masuk2 teksi je, tv kat teksi tu ada berita pasal bebudak yg dibuang sekolah sbb buat carwash topless. kita taula korang ade breast, aku pon ade, tak payahla tunjuk2
Nadd: ahahaha... geli gila. mari mommies yg tgh breastfeed..kite compare dengan budak skolah punye mane lagi hot. ade beran?? kuang kuang kuang
shai laden: ahahahahahahaha. ntah, puh-leese... kanak-kanak...
Nadd: ntah..
shai laden: their lady lumps are just lumps.
Nadd: paling besar pun b tapi pakai push up
shai laden: ahahahahaha. oh sungguh betol!
Nadd: oh..oh..oh
shai laden: mari kutuk juvenile singaporean tits. akakaka
Nadd: apekah topik cikgu2 tadika nih... ahaha
shai laden: tak, kite cume nak menganalisis situasi dunia yg serba mereng ini.
shai laden: aku ingatkan ko nak sewa umah dekat ngan 7e. hahaha
Nadd: ahaha, semate2 slapi
shai laden: tula. sanggup. tapi aku nak je pindah umah yg dekat dgn mende2 gitu. aku salu rase nak pindah damansara so dekat dgn ikea...... or poached salmon ikea
Nadd: hahaha pastu sebab sewa die mahal gile, nak rase makanan ikea pun dah x mampu
shai laden: oh btol, sbb tula kene kawin dgn lelaki damansara yg kaya. tapi lelaki damansara yg kaya biasenye lelaki tak guna. ahahaha
Nadd: ahahaha btol2
...................
People never learn, do they?
I
HATE
TO
BE
COMPARED
TO
but you know what, when it happened to you for the second time in 3 months time, by a different person... all's left for you to do is leave.
The Ugly Lawyers
Mum's loyar buruk of the day.
Mum asked dad to go buy grocery. Dad was sayin, "Don't write a long list."
Usually mum will list down stuff like:
1. Beras
2. Minyak
3. Roti
4. Telur
5. ....and so on so forth till the end of the note....
and it kinda annoys dad to go buy too many things.
With dad's reminder, she wrote it like this:
"1. Beras. 2. Minyak. 3. Roti. 4. Telur. 5. ....."
Dad stifled his laughter seeing the list.
"I told you not to write a long list."
"You said not to write a long list. You didn't say not to write a lot of things."
Whether
Time to do the BETWEENS game!
1. Wonder Girls or Girls Generation?
I don't usually like Korean Idol groups... I choose Brown-Eyed Girls, just because I made this question up and do not want to answer it.
2. Big boobs or big bums?
On women or on men? Ahahaha. Whichever that doesn't hurt when walking/running.
3. Ketupat or lemang?
Though I hate making ketupat and just acquire the secret recipe of my gramma's delicious lemang, I still do like ketupat better. I got mild athritis, I can't eat sticky rice that much anyway.
4. Chicken or egg?
Lessee... I can bake cakes with eggs, make cookies with them, boiled, rebus three quarter, fried, sunny side up, telur dadar, and even baling at people that I hate. Egg it is...
5. Dark chocolate or strawberry chocolate?
I can never choose. But dark chocolate is easier to find than strawberry chocolates, and Siti Nurhaliza has tainted it since Datuk K gave it to her for her wedding. Ugh. Traumatised by old men marrying young.
6. Plain Jane or Soalnya Hati?
Soalnya Hati (initially titled "Sebatang taugeh, seorang lelaki dan Cinta Zulaikha") was my most favourite project but Plain Jane was the one that I enjoyed writing and makes me feel like Sophie Kinsella.
7. Book smart or Street smart?
When it comes to feel more secure, I choose street smart people. I mean book smart can bluff their way through life, but street smarts can fight their way to the top.
8. Nabil Raja Lawak or Zizan Raja Lawak?
Though Nabil comes from my area and I do love stand-up comedians, I believe Zizan is better in terms of dealing with official ceremonies and things that need lots of conformity, and Malaysia is a country filled with THAT.
9. Sri Menanti or Rembau?
People associate Rembau with Astana Raja, while Sri Menanti residents are called 'Orang Istana" since it's where the palace is. And yes, I do love it when people called us "Orang Istana". Makes me feel regal in a way. Haha. And Sri Menanti are the most known for Adat Pepatih, which is why men are scared of me. Nincampoops.
10. Sam Raimi or Pang Brothers?
I don't know. I can't choose. I am not much of a fan of both when they're not doing the horror genre. But I guess being able to make great movies with lower budget means you're better, so Oxide and Danny it is.
Dudes and Don'ts
Another bastard deserves a punch in his face.
I'm tellin ya, the older I get, the more impatient I am with that particular sex. I'm starting to doubt the existence of chivalry. It's either they're too proud, or they're so needy you just wanna give em a big slap.
I don't like to see my friend cries. Do you know how exhausting it is to cry? It hurts your eyes, it hurts your face, it hurts your chest, it hurts your heart. If you have an asthma, that's dangerous. Now, let me tell you among people who I think need a really good kick in the groin based on experience of ownself and others:
1. The 'I-was-just-being-nice-to-you' dude
Yeah, of course. That's what they said after they got what they want. I'm not talking about stupid stuff like your vajayjays... but more of those trying-to-be-nice-so-I-can-use-you. Sure, women have a very gentle heart. We're keen of helping people and taking care of stuff. And some of us arre talented people who can move mountains (so to speak). These piece of shit of the male kind are the sort of lazy people who flirts with you because they want their work done, and you seem to do it better.
2. The 'I-kinda-like-to-make-you-jealous' dude
It's a mystery that these kind of men kinda want you to like them and then they moved on and try to rub their happiness on your face. It never ends because like a drug, making you jealous or hurting your feeling seemed to make them livelier.
3. The we're-just-friends dude
You know, telling a girl that you have a wet dream about her, or whispering into her ear and smelling her hair is NOT what 'only-friends' does. You're a pervert if you think so.
4. The I-need-you-and-I-don't-take-excuses dude
Take a breather. Come on. You think women don't have other stuff to do rather than to ask about your health and saying 'selamat bekerja' every single day? Love comes in many form, dofus.
5. The I-like-to-talk-in-metaphors dude
We're not all philosophers and even if we are, we have different interpretations of stuff too. You think being a Socrates disciple, Plato interprete every lesson with a same understanding? Talk like a normal human being. It's 2009 already. We have no time for cryptology and anagrams.
6. The loyalty bastard
Sure, ask us to wait for you for some damn million years and then marry a British whatever, eyh? That's just fucking great.
7. The I-don't-discuss-personal-issue dude
Sure, it's personal. But you do know when your personal issue ricochet with the girl's future, or work, it's not really YOUR personal issue.
Haih. I'm sick of all this. Not all men are like that, but until I found one that is not all these, Imma keep on cursing under my breath.
Dead? Nope.
Yeah, if you're feelin like deja vu, it's not. I copy paste one entry unto 2 blogs - goes to show how lazy I am nowadays with the online world.
Had three days of energy sucking fun. Fun, yes. Energy sucking, uhuh, that one too. It's for the kindergarten that we'll be opening soon (still struggling on the finance, forgive me if these past few weeks I have shown a pisau-cukur side of me. The lack of money turns any normal women into vultures.) It's weird, since I never been in a kindergarten. I never knew how it feels like to be in a nursery school, being someone who lompat terus masuk darjah satu. Apparently it's a lot of fun and games <- kesian, budak jakun...
I think the ustaz loved us just for the fact that we came from a religious school, which means, we would not have to struggle as much in trying to maintain an Islamic preschool. I do think it's important what with how badly things are today. So many people that I knew can't read jawi. Like Nad said, it's a fundamental thing. If you can't read jawi, it means that you can't read the Quran. How does someone who can't spell/read the Quran gets to pray?
In a way, I do sometimes feel like I am in some sort of a weird meeting room (where it is held). Being in a place with lots of preschool teachers, at times they tend to talk to you as if you're a six year old, and being a monotonous person (with adults), I sometimes feel like I'm being surrounded by the army of Willy Wonka. Or lots of Bree Van De Kamps.
On second day, I had to borrow Nad's tudung because I was wearing my low-necked dress and my tudung wasn't long enough to cover the chest area.
"Breast-enhancing tudung?" Nad asked and laughed, so she lend hers. Thank God.
Earlier that day, we too were asked to wear the official staff's bib that somehow makes me feel like Lee Yound-Ae in "Jewel in the Palace" and kept puttiing my hand inside the pocket and went, "Dae, Han sanggeum."
At the same time, we had the chance to spend more time with Adam (I mean Nad's baby, not the CO staff or the guy who manages the MS Powerpoint throughout the course...). Last night, I managed to sing him new made-up lullabies which I do think is giving Nad a headache (for poisoning her son's head). Haha. Like the song "Syarikat Pinjaman Wang Berlesen";
"Oh Adam, jangan pinjam wang,
di syarikat pinjaman wang berlesen,
nanti tangan kena potong,
dan rumah kena cat warna merah,
sebab walaupun nama dia berlesen,
tapi dia sebenarnya AhLong juga..."
atau lagu "Ramly Burger";
"Why la west, Ramly burger is the best..."
(this verse isn't my original lyric...)
atau lagu "Obama ke Apa ke tak penting";
"Oh Adam, tak kira siapa juga Presiden Amerika,
if you're a Muslim, you still akan ditimpa bencana..."
Finally Mun sighed and said, "Nad, aku rasa ko kena carikan suami untuk Shai ni sebab aku rasa die perlukan anak sendiri untuk diracunkan mindanya..."
I think that's why God still let me be a bachelorette. I must stop poisoning the young minds first. I think if I have a kid, he/she would be burdened with lullabies about MNC scare, Freemason conspiracies, scientific study of Mamat Khalid and Sam Raimi's movies and how to identify useless men.
Finally, after seeing how the 6 months old kiddo kept creasing his forehead at my 'beautiful' voice and hard-hiting emotional lyrics (ha), I thought it was time to sing him a real song. So I sang Rabbani's "Anak Soleh" to the lil one, and he seemed to like it. And put his head gently on my chest....
.... only to realise that the kid is actually hungry, so I give him back to Nad to breastfeed.
Sorry kiddo, these boobs are made for walking... (huh?)
I think I'm not fit to be writing normally at the moment. Lemme get a rest first.
That Wong Kar Wai movie, with Maggie Cheung in red cheongsam and Tony Leung
Uuuu, cryptic!
Anyway, here's the deal. I'm too lazy to blog nowadays because my heart is not in it. I have a responsibility now............ chewah, ayat poyo...
I'm sacrificing a ring for it, that's how serious it is.
Hoping that next year will be it. IT!
Watch this space.
(ayat poyo kedua hari ini)
